Yossi Federman

About me

Hi, I'm Yossi

Torah Voda'ath · Mir · Brooklyn, NY

How I get through the day

One Hand Band

I used to be a one-man band. Now I'm a one-hand band. Tap through to see how.

1. My heart

   Feeling misunderstood

   Social filters. Keeping friendships. Feeling misunderstood.

2. My legs

   Getting to shul

   I can't walk to shul, so I bike. No one bikes on Shabbos, because they think it's assur. Just me. People in Boro Park always stop and stare, and many times kids tell their father, “Totty look, ah mentsh geit oif a bike on Shabbos!” So I ride through Boro Park with huge confidence and a bright yellow giant sign: “This is mutar l'cholim.” In other words: yes, you're staring at me. Caught you.

3. My right hand

   Writing

   I can't write. So I sign my signature “YF.” It works. You can do it too.

4. My legs

   Balance

   I lose my balance sometimes. I fall on the sidewalk, in the shower, or in the middle of the dining room. Whenever I fall, I burst out laughing on the floor and start singing until someone hopefully comes to help me. Sometimes it takes up to 20 minutes to move my body to a phone to call for help.

5. My left hand

   The cane

   I don't want to be “a guy who needs a cane.” But I also don't want to fall. So I got a fancy, rebbish, golden, expensive, dramatic cane, to do it right and match who I am. Quite a sight: a guy with no suit or hat with such a stick. Ya, geshmak.

6. My back and core

   Getting out of bed

   You know what skill and talent it takes to sit up while half paralyzed? So I searched and epes got a free $4,000 bed that shoots me out in the morning like a jack-in-the-box. Best of all, I can set it on an alarm, and my kids get free daily rides. Oh, and I upgraded to built-in massages and mattress controls. Mechtig city.

7. My arms

   Tefillin

   How exactly am I meant to put them on? With my hand and my mouth? So every day I go to shul and find someone new to give the honor to. It makes them feel like a tzaddik. They remember it forever. I really don't.

8. Buttons and zippers

   Buttons and zippers

   This works with the help of teeth, feet, and children's hands.

9. My whole body

   Swimming

   Obviously not, right? No, obviously yes! I do it to the fullest. Watch me next time: I jump into the deep end. A terrifying sight for my family, a delight and geshmak for me.

10. My feet

    Stepping over obstacles

    You can win every obstacle course in camp, but I'll get the greatest award for a half-man march over magnet tiles, messes, and mentchies.

11. My back

    The itch

    Scratching your back: what are you meant to do?! The itch, the itch! Use a wall. The corner edge, moving up and down, forward and in. The corner of a wall that doesn't move. Works fast and well.

12. My hip

    Cans and bottles

    Use your hip to push it against a wall while you open it with the hand that works.

13. My legs and back

    Bending my legs and back

    It's terrifying. But sometimes when no one's home to help, I've got to do it. So I make it work with a song. Ayyyy, ahhhh, yaaaa, yaaay, yoyyyy! Ahhh!

14. My feet

    Shoes and a brace

    Putting on shoes and a brace.

15. My feet

    Velcro

    No laces. I got Velcro shoes instead.

16. My left hand

    Locks

    Opening and closing a lock, with one hand.

17. My left hand

    The keyboard

    I used to play a 10-finger orchestra. Now it's a 5-finger orchestra.

18. My left hand

    Driving

    I drive with a ring on the steering wheel.

19. My waist

    The gartel

    Tying a gartel with one hand. Oh, the struggle! My kids help, and worst case, I have it down to a science.

20. My hands

    Cutting a sandwich

    Cutting a sandwich, with one hand.

21. My hands

    Clapping

    I'm excused from clapping.

22. My hands

    Negel vasser

    Washing negel vasser, with one hand.

23. My beard

    The beard

    My daughters fix my beard for me. Well, halfway: I hold the hairs and they tie, because it needs to be tight.

24. My nose

    Pain

    Constant pain and discomfort. Whenever I feel it hitting again, I just sing. When I sneeze, all my kids know “Totty's achoo song.”

25. My speech

    The word is right there

    Knowing the word but not being able to say it.

26. My speech

    Impatient people

    People who don't have patience to wait for my words.

27. My speech

    Finishing my sentences

    People finish my sentences. Sometimes they're right, and sometimes they are so, so wrong.

28. My head

    Spelling

    I can't spell. It takes a million tries to get it right. So my family, friends, and sons-in-law know: if Totty is on the computer, he'll holler, “Apple, how do you spell it?” And someone from the household dictionary answers. A different voice each time. We know the game.

29. My eyes

    Reading

    I can't read. That affects me most when I daven. I just follow along with my finger and don't move my lips. And I think (I know) God hears it anyway.

30. My head

    The evaluation

    When a therapist comes to evaluate me for care, I know I'll come up short, since I'm missing 30 percent of the skills. So I don't bother putting on a brave face. What a performance! My family can't stop laughing behind the wall.

31. My head

    Mental exhaustion

    I need medicine. Nights are very hard.

32. My eyes

    Napping

    I nap once a day.

33. My legs

    The handicapped license

    Park wherever you want.

34. My right hand

    50% off

    A 50 percent discount on one hand. It's been collecting retirement benefits for twenty years!

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My story in pictures

Who I Am in 2 Minutes

My songs